Chicago Sun-Times: All posts by Abigail Van Buren

Dear Abby: Friend's deceit came out of the blue

2025-07-15T06:00:00-05:00

DEAR ABBY: I'm struggling with the end of a friendship that has meant the world to me for most of my life. My best friend of 25 years recently married someone she had known for only a few months. I was surprised how quickly things moved, but I respected her decision and was genuinely happy for her.

During one of our last meaningful conversations, she assured me she would let me know when a wedding date was set because she wanted me there. A few weeks later, I accidentally discovered that not only had a date been chosen, but there is also a wedding website — clearly showing the event was planned and confirmed. I was not invited.

When I brought it up gently, she flat-out denied that anything had been finalized. I felt hurt, confused and dismissed. The dishonesty and secrecy feel like a betrayal after everything we've shared over the past 25 years. Being excluded from such a major life event and then lied to about it feels like the final straw. I'm torn between mourning the friendship and wondering if I'm overreacting. Is there any coming back from this kind of hurt? Or is it time to accept that our relationship is over? — LEFT BEHIND IN THE EAST

DEAR LEFT BEHIND: You are not overreacting. It appears your friend's "little white lie" turned into a whopper. I can't blame you for feeling hurt at the way you were treated. There could be several reasons why you were left off the guest list. Not knowing your old friend, I can't guess which. Neither can you, since she chose to lie instead of level with you. Whether this should end your long relationship is up to you. Certainly, you need to rethink anything she tells you in the future, if there even is a future.

DEAR ABBY: I am remarried to a widower whose first wife died 10 years ago. On the anniversary of her death, he reaches out to her siblings to announce how much he loved her. I find this unsettling. I would have thought that this was understood by all of them during their marriage. He was a devoted husband. Am I wrong in thinking this unnecessary and hurtful? — CURRENT WIFE IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR WIFE: You are entitled to your feelings, but please stop comparing your marriage to the one your husband had with his late wife. Although yours may be a happy one, it isn't identical to the one he had with her. A lesson I have learned later in life is that love doesn't end when a partner dies. Because your husband deeply loved his first wife doesn't mean there is less for you. For him, the message he sends to his former in-laws feels necessary. Please try harder not to make a problem where there isn't one. No anniversary message will bring the woman back.

DEAR ABBY: After my father passed away, I started doing some family genealogy. Everyone, including family, thinks he was a great WWII hero. But while researching military records, I discovered it was all a lie. In my opinion, he committed "stolen valor." Do I tell the truth, or let sleeping dogs lie? — TRUTHFUL IN THE WEST

DEAR TRUTHFUL: Your father has gone to his great reward. If you feel the record should be set straight, show your family the research you did and tell them the truth.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $16 (U.S. funds), to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)

Dear Abby: Uncertainty breeds angst for aging couple

2025-07-14T06:00:00-05:00

DEAR ABBY: I'm a single, never married man. I was having trouble finding a nice woman to date, so I bought a T-shirt from a dating website to show the women at the grocery and hardware stores that I'm single and looking for a date.

I now have a new problem — women at the hardware store and grocery stores keep coming up to me, asking about my shirt and trying to get a date with me. I am grateful for it, although I'm having trouble deciding which one I want to go out with. How do I tell the ones I am not interested in that I'm busy or seeing someone else? They don't want to take no for an answer. — FLOODED IN FLORIDA

DEAR FLOODED: Stop saying no so quickly. If you are looking for someone special, you are going to have to do some sifting. As you will discover, dating is a process of trial and error. You may find your taste in women will change if you experience a few of them (or more).

P.S. I'm sorry you didn't mention which website you bought that T-shirt from. Do they also come in women's sizes?

DEAR ABBY: My spouse and I are retired and on Social Security. We've both worked hard all our lives and are content living a modest retirement. Our house is paid for, and we have little debt. However, we're both experiencing physical and mental decline. I worry about our house. We aren't able to clean and maintain it like we used to because of our physical limitations. We used to have parties, but we're embarrassed to have people over now, which means we're kind of isolated.

We also worry that our Social Security and Medicare benefits will be stripped away. We rely on them to live. We both paid into the system since age 15. Shouldn't we expect to reap the benefits of paying into the system all these years? We worry all the time about the future, which seems so grim right now. Even if we can survive the next few years, I'm increasingly concerned about the disintegration of our home. I am not sure where to turn. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated. — WORRIED ABOUT THE FUTURE

DEAR WORRIED: If there is a senior center in your community, reach out and ask if there are any services that could assist you in finding reasonably priced help with your house. As to your embarrassment about entertaining friends, that concern may be needless. If you want company, invite friends over for afternoon tea, a picnic or a barbecue outside if the weather permits.

Regarding your anxiety about Social Security, you are far from alone in feeling worried. Approximately 70 million American seniors are worrying right along with you. Every senior should be writing to their local politicians, their state representatives, congresspersons and senators reminding them that those benefits were paid for and, if they are interfered with, it could cost them the next election.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable — and most frequently requested — poems and essays, send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds), to: Dear Abby — Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)

Dear Abby: A stressful period grows even more confusing

2025-07-13T06:00:00-05:00

DEAR ABBY: For years, my husband and I have socialized with a small group of couples, all empty nesters in our 50s and 60s. We meet at our favorite neighborhood bars for happy hour, live music, dancing and other city events, and we have a great time.

Over the last year, one couple has started inviting several of their 20-something children and a grandbaby (yes, to the bars, at night) to hang out with us. It becomes loud and messy the more the "kids" drink. The conversations are different, and the baby cries, and it has completely changed the vibe of our get-togethers. I like this couple but not particularly their kids.

Is there a tactful way to redirect our get-togethers back to just our mature group (rather than "family time") without damaging friendships, or should we suck it up or bow out? — UNPLEASANT TIME IN THE WEST

DEAR UNPLEASANT: Poll the other members of your group about how they feel about the younger couple and the baby being with you. You may discover you are not the only ones who aren't comfortable with it. If that's the case, then someone is going to have to speak up and object. However, if you and your husband are alone in feeling the way you do, the two of you should bow out and socialize with other friends.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 29 and in a 10-year relationship with my boyfriend, "Justin." Things have been rocky since his business went under last year. For months, I have been working 10 shifts a week at two jobs to cover our bills, including a mortgage. Barely seeing each other has put a strain on our relationship.

I never intended to develop feelings for another man, but I have them, and they are real. "Brad" and I work together and talk often. He makes me feel a way I haven't felt in years. There is innocent flirting — nothing sexual or inappropriate. We don't communicate outside of work.

In my mind, we haven't crossed any lines, except that I have developed feelings for him. I believe he feels the same about me, although neither of us has put it into words. Brad is very shy and doesn't talk to most people. He works two jobs and goes to school.

I don't want to leave Justin. I love him, and we are good together. But I can't ignore what is happening inside me right now. Help, please! — TORN IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR TORN: Working two jobs is, to put it mildly, stressful. I can see why your relationship with Justin is strained. You are exhausted! I can also understand why you might welcome the distraction of a flirtation with Brad. However, unless you have left something out of your letter, Brad hasn't asked you out even for a coffee, let alone to leave Justin. I'm not suggesting you ignore the feelings you have been developing for Brad, but I am telling you to focus more energy on fixing what has gone wrong with your relationship with your boyfriend.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds), to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)

Dear Abby: Man's addiction may be to blame for wife's migraines

2025-07-12T06:00:00-05:00

DEAR ABBY: I began experiencing migraines occasionally as a teenager, but in my early 20s, they became a regular occurrence. I tried unsuccessfully for years to identify my triggers, cutting things from my diet and environment before realizing about a year ago that I'm triggered by smoke.

My husband — my best friend and the love of my life — who I've been with since the age of 21, is a smoker. I've attempted to talk to him about it, but he becomes hurt and defensive because he's sensitive about his addiction and isn't sure my "theory" is correct. He has always been careful not to smoke in our home or cars, only outside, but I smell it on his hands and clothing even hours after a cigarette. Further complicating the matter is that he has never had a sense of smell and isn't convinced that an odor lingers on him.

We have a beautiful, affectionate marriage and almost never fight. However, I'm realizing I have a slow-growing resentment that is fed each time he sits next to me or I want to snuggle up with him, only to be hit with a sensation best described as an ice pick to my temple. I'm devastated that this is affecting my nearly perfect image of this wonderful man.

I have thus far been unwilling to nag or demand he stop, as this isn't the type of wife I want to be. He has many amazing qualities, and I feel horrible that my heart is pulling back because of this one thing. Please help with what to do. — HURTING HEAD IN OHIO

DEAR HURTING HEAD: The first thing you should do is discuss your migraines with your doctor to be sure that the smell of tobacco is what is triggering them. If what you think is true, then you and your husband should schedule a consultation with your physician so the DOCTOR can explain it to your wonderful spouse.

There is no denying that cigarette smoke clings to the hair, skin and clothing of a regular smoker long after the last puff. On the positive side, this may be a perfect opportunity for your husband to rid himself of an expensive habit that's potentially dangerous to his health.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend, "Ellie," has a jealousy problem. She wanted to introduce me to another lady, "Mica," who was starting a new craft and looking for help to get started. Ellie gave my phone number to Mica, who contacted me and came to my house for instructions.

I told Ellie that Mica had called and that we'd set up a time for Mica to come over. When Ellie heard that, she got really upset because she wanted to introduce us. Now, if I mention Mica's name, my best friend shuts down. Abby, I'm not sure how to handle jealousy. It's not an emotion I feel. Please help. — GOOD INTENTIONS IN ARKANSAS

DEAR GOOD INTENTIONS: Shuts down? Because you met with Mica without Ellie being present? That seems not only childish but also controlling. "Handle" this by refraining from mentioning Mica's name to Ellie.

Dear Abby: Parents won't take 'no' for an answer from son

2025-07-11T06:00:00-05:00

DEAR ABBY: I have suspected for many years that my son is gay. I don't understand why he would feel he can't talk to me about his relationships. I would love him regardless. Everything was fine when his father and I lived hundreds of miles away, but when I mentioned we might move closer, my son got very upset and made it clear that he didn't want it to happen. At the time, I didn't understand why.

We moved closer anyway, and now there's an invisible curtain between us. His dad is disabled. I'm his caretaker, which can be very stressful at times, but I do everything I can to take care of myself emotionally and physically so I can do it right.

My husband's dad turned out to be gay and divorced his mom. My husband is still angry at his father, which I understand. I suspect that may be one reason our son is distant. Several of his contemporaries (both male and female) have mentioned their suspicions to me. I love my son and want to be closer. I have contacted PFLAG for assistance. Can you provide me with any insight? — TRYING IN VIRGINIA

DEAR TRYING: IF your son is gay (and he may NOT be), it is understandable that he would stay away from his possibly homophobic father. I find it strange that any of your son's friends would make unsolicited comments to you concerning their "suspicions" about his sexual orientation. You were wise to reach out to PFLAG for information. It's a respected resource that I have mentioned in my column many times. But I can't help wondering why you moved closer to your son despite him indicating that he didn't want it. It may be time to give him the space to live his life in private, and because you need emotional support, seek it elsewhere.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 71-year-old only child who's been married for 54 years. I have a terrible habit of interrupting when my wife is speaking. I'm trying to break this habit, which is difficult after so many years.

We had a bad argument today when she asked me to watch some "funny" YouTube clips. I declined because I was doing the weekly chore of setting up our many medical prescriptions for the week. She blew up saying it was OK for me to interrupt her but not the reverse. She then went on to say how I interrupt her when she's cooking, reading, on her computer or doing other activities. I asked when a good time was to talk to her and was told maybe never. Was I out of line or did this turn into an overreaction? — TALKATIVE LADY IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR LADY: It turned into an overreaction. Interestingly, your wife did not say you interrupted her while she was speaking. She mentioned interrupting certain activities. Has it occurred to you that the two of you may spend so much time together that you are getting on her nerves? Perhaps getting out of the house separately would give the two of you more breathing room.

Dear Abby: Boyfriend's daughter complicates long-term relationship

2025-07-10T06:00:00-05:00

DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing my partner, "Gil," for five years. After my husband passed, Gil came into my life again. We had been colleagues about 10 years prior. We always had a spark but never acted on it, as I was deeply committed to my late husband.

After the funeral, Gil came into my life with guns blazing. We struck up a friendship, and it wasn't long before it became more. I have come to care deeply for him, and I want to be there for him, as he is older and facing some health issues. My problem is Gil and his youngest daughter, "Nicole," are very close. I initially wanted a warm relationship with her and went out of my way to orchestrate vacations and time together.

Fast-forward to now: I dislike Nicole immensely because she takes advantage of her dad. She's rude, inconsiderate and holier than everyone, even though she would have nothing if not for her father's generosity. I hesitate to call her out, because I'll become the "bad guy," which she has already tried to make me out to be.

Nicole is in her late 20s with kids of her own. I'm younger than Gil, and I know she sees me as a threat. I know there is some jealousy there, but I'm concerned for his well-being. His health isn't great, and Nicole is never around for doctor appointments, etc. I want to be gracious because she can do no wrong in his eyes. Your input would be greatly appreciated. — CARING ABOUT HIM

DEAR CARING: Continue to be gracious to Nicole. As I see it, you have little choice. Because she can do no wrong in her daddy's eyes, if you try to point out otherwise, it won't endear you to either of them. What you must decide is which is more important to you — calling out Nicole's glaring flaws or a relationship with her father.

DEAR ABBY: As a young mother, I endured a difficult marriage filled with domestic abuse. In the midst of that turmoil, I struggled to be the parent my children needed. They are adults now, and I find myself distanced from them. It pains me deeply to know they want nothing to do with me. I can't help but feel I ruined their lives, and the weight of that thought is unbearable.

I miss them dearly and long for the chance to reconnect and heal our relationship. I'm at a crossroads and unsure of how to move forward and mend the bonds that have been strained. I deeply regret my past mistakes and want to make things right, but I'm uncertain where to start. Thank you for your guidance. — LOST AND OVERWHELMED IN CANADA

DEAR LOST: I know of no perfect parents. Everyone makes mistakes. I wish you had mentioned why you think you "ruined your children's lives." Were you physically or emotionally abusive? Did you abandon them? If that's what happened, reach out. Apologize and offer to join them in family counseling if they are willing. It might be a healthy first step toward reconciliation.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds), to: Dear Abby, Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)

Dear Abby: Husband's new friendship puts marriage on the rocks

2025-07-09T06:00:00-05:00

DEAR ABBY: I am 57 and have been married for 32 years to my husband, who retired from his full-time job last year. I still work full time. Since his retirement, he has been going to a bar once a week or so, spending a few hours visiting with the customers and staff.

One of the staff has taken an interest in being his "buddy." My husband is outgoing and somewhat flirtatious. The staff member is a younger, female bartender who he invites to our home bar for drinks. They have also established a social media relationship and send text messages.

When I had an out-of-town trip planned, they concocted a plan for her to come over for cocktails with another of our friends. They planned to keep it a secret because "I might become upset." I found out and DID become upset and have remained so.

I have discovered other messages, and I no longer trust my husband. I don't think they are in a physical relationship, but despite his reassurances, I can't let go of what might have been shared about me and feel a deep sense of betrayal. How can I move forward? — SUSPICIOUS IN WASHINGTON

DEAR SUSPICIOUS: What the bartender and your husband are doing is inappropriate. It might be worthwhile to ask her employer whether there are any rules about their staff socializing with patrons outside the establishment. As to your lack of trust in your "flirtatious" husband, under these circumstances it is understandable. Marriage counseling may help to repair your relationship. Offer him the option of going with you, and if he refuses, go alone.

DEAR ABBY: I have been working with a personal trainer for a year who just gave me the bad news that he may be leaving soon for a promotion in Chicago. I'm happy he's so motivated and hardworking, but I have grown to adore him. I feel like we're connected.

Lately, when I think about his leaving, it almost makes me cry. He's so kind, protective, funny and sweet to me. He mentioned in one of our first sessions that he was attracted to me. He tells me I'm beautiful, and it makes me smile. If he moves away, it will leave a hole in my heart. I feel like he's forgetting everything we have shared.

I text him but don't want to be a pest. Should I tell him how I feel before it's too late? Does it seem clingy? How do I know he feels the same way about me without making myself look like a fool? — WORKED UP IN PHOENIX

DEAR WORKED UP: You wrote that your trainer said he "may" be moving to Chicago. How definite is it? Forgive me if this seems harsh, but if your feelings are reciprocated, your trainer would invite you to move to Chicago with him, or at least find time to see you outside of your paid sessions. If you think it would help to express your feelings for him, say so. It's a huge compliment, and he should regard it as such. I don't think you have anything to lose by being honest.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." Send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds), to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)

Dear Abby: Sibling is making elderly mom's life a living hell

2025-07-08T06:00:00-05:00

DEAR ABBY: I live five hours away from my hometown. My mom is 98 and in assisted living there. In recent years, my younger sister has become cruel to our mom and is trying to take advantage of her.

Instead of helping Mom, she does things to deliberately upset her and raise her blood pressure. Two examples: putting dog poop on my recently deceased brother's grave and stealing a gun from Mom's home. She also threatened to remove Mom's recliner from her while she was sitting in it. My sister has caused major issues at the assisted living facility, which greatly upsets my poor mother, since she loves the care she gets there.

My older brother and I have met with an attorney to get an order of no-trespass, no-contact at Mom's facility. It's still in the process. My sister puts on a totally different mask at her church and has everyone believing she's a victim. What do you suggest we do in the future with this out-of-control, full of hate sibling? — ASHAMED SIS IN ONTARIO, CANADA

DEAR SIS: The term for what your sister has been doing is elder abuse. Stealing and threatening to do something that would cause great bodily harm qualifies. Continue working with the attorney on the no-contact order and let the process play out. Your mother's doctors should be told what has been going on. What the worshippers in her church think about her should be of no consequence.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 55 and have been married for 15 years. I have two kids, ages 22 and 25. Both are on their own, living their own lives. My wife is 45. She has a 25-year-old son who has a four-year degree in computer science and claims he can't find a job. He refuses to look for other employment to fill in until something opens up in computers. He stays up half the night getting high and playing games online, and sleeps until noon. He has a considerable amount in his savings and is able to play the stock market, so it's not like he's broke and can't start living on his own.

My wife won't let go because he's her only child. She and I have no alone time, no romantic nights and no dinners without him included. He's always here and involved in everything, and I'm tired of it. I have reached a point in my life where I want to enjoy my time with my wife alone.

We are shopping for a new house, but I'm ready to say we buy a house together alone, just the two of us, or I'm filing for divorce and buying a house by myself. I feel it's way past time for him to be weaned from his mother and get his own life. Do you agree or am I being overly sensitive? — OVER IT IN ARIZONA

DEAR OVER IT: You are not being overly sensitive. Your wife appears to have a serious case of separation anxiety when it comes to her son, which is healthy for neither. I assume you have discussed this with her to no avail. If that's not true, you should. If it IS true, then it's time for marriage and family therapy with someone who is licensed. If your wife refuses to go, the alternative would be to schedule an appointment with an attorney who can help you "untie the knot."

Good advice for everyone — teens to seniors — is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds), to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)

Dear Abby: Mother doesn't like son keeping her in the dark

2025-07-07T06:00:00-05:00

DEAR ABBY: I am worried about my 21-year-old son, "Travis." He hasn't quite left our home that he shares with me and my husband, but he sleeps here only one or two nights. He's in school part time and works part time, which means working or studying long hours until morning.

What concerns me is where he's staying. He refuses to reveal his location. He says he's with a girlfriend we haven't met, and he stays out all night long. I'm worried there might be a drug problem, too. I try to call him to see if he's OK, and I have to text and text just to get an answer.

My husband doesn't worry at all. He tells me to leave Travis alone, that he's 21 and I am crazy for worrying about what our son is doing. Am I wrong about this? How can I find out what Travis is doing and try to get him help? — WORRIED MAMA IN GEORGIA

DEAR MAMA: Your son is no longer a child. He appears to be handling his job and studies responsibly. At 21, he deserves to have a private life, and you should be able to step back and allow him that. Listen to your husband in this regard. He is steering you in the right direction.

DEAR ABBY: There was a man I knew when I was younger. He was a friend of a friend of mine. I found out years later that he had had a crush on me. Long story short, we went on a date. Apparently, it went better for him than for me. After ONE DATE, I am "Baby," and he thinks we are a couple! After I moved from California to Alabama, it didn't deter him from acting like we were a couple.

I texted him, saying I didn't want to hurt him, but I couldn't do a long-distance relationship. He sent back a seething text about "not ever contacting him again." Did I do the wrong thing? Should I have called him? (I was scared to do this.) — CONFUSED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR CONFUSED: The way you handled it was appropriate. You were correct to avoid an unpleasant conversation, particularly because you sensed (rightly) that he wouldn't take your message well.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 13 years to a wonderful man. A couple of years into our marriage, I was diagnosed with uterine cancer and had to get a hysterectomy. My sister, who is three years older, doesn't understand what I went through. I wanted children, but now, because of the hysterectomy, I can't have any. How can I make her (and others) understand that I am grieving? — NO ONE'S MOM IN WISCONSIN

DEAR NO ONE'S MOM: I am sorry for your loss, which for many childless women is a painful one. However, not everyone is empathetic enough to understand that this pain is ongoing. To those who, like your sister, do not understand, speak up. However, if this is having a negative impact on your life and relationships, please consider talking about it with a licensed psychotherapist.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds), to: Dear Abby — Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)

Dear Abby: Errant voicemail reveals a troubled relationship

2025-07-06T06:00:00-05:00

DEAR ABBY: I recently received a voicemail from my brother that recorded a conversation he was having with his wife. It was clear he didn't know he had accidentally dialed my phone during this conversation. It was an argument, which lasted two minutes before there was a pause in the conversation and he hung up.

I haven't addressed it with him yet because I am shocked at my sister-in-law's behavior during this conversation and the way she treats my brother. I have known for a while that she blames others for situations she should share the blame in, but I had never heard her in a private conversation until this voicemail.

My brother must know those two minutes live on my phone, although we haven't spoken about it. I want to talk with him and tell him that I heard what she said. I'd like him to know I hope she treats him with respect, and that she sounds ungrateful for all the hard work he puts in at his job in their one-income household with two children. How should I handle this? — OVERHEARD IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR OVERHEARD: Talk to your brother and express that the fight between him and his wife was partially recorded on your phone. Then tell him you don't mean to pry but think he and his wife could benefit from marital counseling if they are both willing. (I hope he will listen and have some sessions, even if his wife refuses.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are retired. He sits in his recliner chair all day, every day. He says he is "studying his Bible" or watching YouTube videos. He also sleeps 12 to 14 hours after he goes to bed around 8 p.m. most nights. This has been going on for at least a year, and I am SICK of it. I want a companion to do things with.

Nothing I have done or said motivates him to get up and move. Since I am not willing to accept this lifestyle for myself, I take classes at the Y three to five times a week, go to lunch with friends, read and attend our neighborhood book club, paint and do crafts, and talk with or email friends. Most nights, I watch TV upstairs by myself. I may as well be single! Any suggestions? — UNCOUPLED IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR UNCOUPLED: Get that husband of yours to his doctor for a thorough physical and neurological examination. People of every age need SOME form of exercise. When people who weren't sedentary spend all day, every day sitting, it is dangerous to their health. Your husband could suffer from any number of ailments, including depression. Making sure he has been checked out could be life changing not only for him but also for you.

DEAR ABBY: When the hostess offers you leftovers after a nice meal, how much should you take? — WONDERING IN THE SOUTH

DEAR WONDERING: Don't be greedy. Leave enough food for other guests to take some home if they wish, and don't forget to do the same for your hostess.